Danny Bollocks

Warning:  The following story contains some offensive content.  The faint of heart may want to skip ahead 😉

I’ve been in Rishikesh for a week and a half.  I met Danny and Quinn straight off, and we’ve been palling around ever since.  They are both Brits, and funny as hell.  Danny is a former fuck-up gone good, reading spirituality books and learning yoga.  He wears his blond hair in a shaggy mohawk, and can’t resist telling dirty jokes.IMG_1073 Quinn is tall, with a bobbing Adam’s apple and an equally wicked sense of humor.  Though they were relatively polite in the first few days after we all met, things have quickly deteriorated, and now I frequently find myself choking on food and snorting loudly in public as they rehash stories and dig up old jokes.

I thought things had gotten pretty bad when Danny told us that he has a Facebook page dedicated exclusively to his bollocks (in America, his balls).  I managed to avoid most of the pictures, but I was unlucky enough to see the charming photograph of his testicles dressed up like Santa Claus.  Then tonight at dinner, he told me a story that had me pissing myself.

He was at a club last year with his girlfriend.  He bought her a drink, but when she went to the bathroom and left him to watch it, someone swiped it while he was looking away.  He was irritated, and went to the bar to buy a second drink.  This time, he set it down on the rail and got to talking to the guy next to him.  Sure enough, moments later, the drink was gone.  He was raging pissed at this point.  The club was clearly full of thieves and assholes.

So he went to the bar and ordered a bottle of Smirnoff Ice.  He took it with him into the bathroom.  In the privacy of one of the stalls, he drank half the bottle, then pissed into the rest, filling it up nearly to the top.  This was a good start, but it wasn’t enough.  So he plucked out a few pubic hairs, dropped them in the bottle, and contemplated.  Almost done.  Finally, he reached around and rubbed the mouth of the bottle in between his butt cheeks.

Minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom and returned to the dance floor.  He carefully set the bottle of Smirnoff Ice down on a table, pretended to be watching the dance floor, and waited.  Within moments a sly girl appeared, looked in both directions, and swiped the bottle.  She took it several feet away and lifted it to her lips, pouring a healthy swig down her throat.  When she was finished, she held the bottle away, and looked at it strangely.  She sniffed it and paused for a moment.  Then she took another swig and handed it to her boyfriend.

Danny approached her a few minutes later, after the boyfriend had polished it off.  He leaned in close and said, “That bottle of Smirnoff Ice you nicked?  That was mine.  And you know what I did to it?  I pissed in it, I dropped some pubes in it, and I stuck it up my asshole.”  The girl went white and looked like she was going to retch.  She caught herself, put her hand on her throat, then convulsed again.  Danny walked off before she could say a word, mildly disgusted himself, but mostly just satisfied.

Bon Appetit!!!

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2 Responses to Danny Bollocks

  1. b says:

    Fantastic!

  2. Sheila says:

    Wow -I think my days of stealing drinks in bars have come to a crashing halt! Very, very descritive writing.

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